Already and All Along

Fear Will Lose This Fight, Too

Fear and doubt are ugly, relentless liars.

The 13th of this month will mark eight months since our farm became my office, and the walk from the stone cottage to the barn my commute. As we enjoy a rare very warm and sunny beginning to November here in Michigan that in some ways feels like Spring more than Fall, my thoughts drift back over the past months, and emotions rise in a cacophony of humble pride, joy, awe, fear, and doubt.

-- Pride for triumphant moments like hitching and hauling trailers for the first time, keeping up with the garden and learning the basics of canning, and successfully attending multiple goat kid births.

-- Joy and awe at the blessings and favor and protection that continues to be poured out upon us as we progress further down this dirt road of dreams.

-- And fear that all the efforts put forth so far are not enough, doubt that I'll be able to live up to all those daydreams voiced in countless conversations when full time farming was only just that, a daydream.

There is so much I wanted to have done by now, this far into this first year of Farm Freedom. Some things just didn't happen; others happened well beyond as well as we hoped they would. But still, the whispers of doubt, born from fear, continue to hiss.

Fortunately, our Maker knows our innermost thoughts, and exactly how to calm and direct them back toward Peace, if only we'll open the eyes and ears of our hearts to perceive his soft, still voice speaking life into our lives.

And so, as winter ambles just behind the unexpected warmth and sunshine of this first week of November, and the trees, having shed their brilliant Autumn gowns, stand as resolute black silhouettes against the coming cold, I consciously switch the station of my thoughts from Fear 101 to Purpose 41.13, and listen awestruck as once again He who made the universe pauses to reach down and silence the doubt that threatens my peace, extinguishing the flames of my fears with just a whispered reminder of who I am and can be, in Him. And my eyes are opened to the blessings that have come at just the right moments, the joys that have followed even the worst sorrows, and all the promise there still is in tomorrow, as long as I step into it with a willing right hand held out to keep hold of the one holding it already and all along.

Between the Stone House and Dirt Road

 the promise we have

sun and shadows play

in different spaces now,

their schedules the same,

our place in time rearranged

the neighbor's bean fields sway,

a giant gypsy belt, 

rolling in golden spangles

between the determined green

of surrounding pasture and trees

flecks of red,

orange, yellow

begin to decorate the lawn

as the tips of the tall maple fellows

between the stone house and dirt road

let a beautiful rainbowed yawn

escape 

and the sky takes 

on a shade

that betrays the truth

of the time

whose arrival

we're perhaps not yet ready

to accept

(but clouds don't look like that

any other time of year)

here
we are
again
there are sentimentals like me
even among the tangle of green -
their roots, unseen,
keep them resolutely in place,
determinedly reaching up still,
turning up, even now, their face
and taking in
every drop of sun
that runs over the brim
of last season into now
somehow
time passed
and though we know
for life to last
yesterday must bow
to the unknown of tomorrow,
with the promise we have
of only today
it is difficult to say
the places where these moments divide,
what new corner they find
where they can hide
until, quietly and suddenly
they have metamorphosed
from now
into that place so near and far from here, Memory

perhaps that's why
the sun and shadows seem to shift
as one season lifts
and the next descends,
dancing together
imperceptibly
so we cannot see
where one begins
and where one ends,
they have made friends
with Now
and agreed to let it hide behind them
when it is ready to stop being Today



towering sunflowers sway,
tired arms droop,
faces dim and lower,
and graceful,
they quietly cede
to the owners
of this new season







but zinnias in every shade shout "Treason!"
and defiantly remain
tall and proud
above the vines that have brought forth
some of this new Today's superstars:
pumpkins splash a large and heavy and loud
pattern across the tired garden patch,
that yields to the will of weeds
as this new Today continues to hatch
and bring with it
it's own glory days

sprays
of eager raspberry arms
now conquer the northwest corner,
stretching out their gifts
like sweet fleeting rubies

kale stands, patient and green,
and knows
only if it stands through
the inevitable cold that waits
somewhere between
a future Tomorrow and Today,
will it be able to offer itself
at it's sweetest
tiny baas still greet us
from happy mouths
on growing faces

and as this Today chases
the last one away,
i make the effort to stay
aware
of the infinite nature
of just this moment,
and feel small,
yet comforted,
as it all
continues to flow,
unstoppable, always changing,
each one new,
but yet somehow the same

and i am so humbled
to have been made
a part of it
the start of it
so far away,
the end
so beyond sight
there is day,
and then night,
and then again
and again,
again

and exactly when
one becomes the other,
and looks so different
and yet somehow the same
as the last,
i can't decipher
but i am ready
to let go
of both
tomorrow
and what is past
and accept
this new Today
just the way
it is
and for it, lift
my face and my arms in thanks,
for it is indeed good,
this Today,
this gift.

Keep Looking Up

 

Magnifying What Matters

Have you ever looked - really looked - at something you've seen many times before, and noticed something new? 

Landmarks on familiar routes we've traveled many times before that suddenly seem to jump out and make me wonder how I never really noticed them before; the way trees awake in the Spring from their Winter slumber, in a pastel palette that mimics the rainbow of changing leaves in the Fall, but in the season's own unique array of subtler shades; the growing number of white flecks in the muzzle of our faithful dog, that betray his vigor and puppy-like attitude and remind us he, too, is getting older - there is so much you notice when you're really looking, that goes unrecognized in the passing glances we offer so many moments of our lives.

It's the same with the intangible things. Those challenges and obstacles and disappointments that swerve us off our preferred or planned paths, they become highly detailed and so crisply clear that their every aspect becomes piercing edges stabbing into our peace of mind, when we are looking only at them. How easy it is to hold the magnifying glass over our troubles, and let the myriad blessings that outweigh them blur into a haze at the outer edges of our thoughts and feelings while we focus solely on the problem and how we might solve it. 

This past week, as Farmer Husband and I faced some uncomfortable challenges, I let my mind's magnifying glass grow larger over the problems, and push the positives to the out-of-focus outer edges of my thoughts. The mire gets really thick and sticky, and it's easy to lose your footing when you're always looking down at what ails you. It gets exhausting.

But:

"The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

~Zephaniah 3:17

He will quiet you with His love - quiet the thoughts ruled by your troubles, and save you from your problems by pulling your focus upward, moving the magnifying glass back onto what matters. As I grew too tired to carry the worries of the week any longer, and shifted my focus, I began to notice things that had escaped my perception for days. So this weekend amid the many chores and activities that occupied much of our time, I purposely slowed down and took some quiet moments to just be, and really look around me, at something other than the problems we were facing. 

And what I noticed was blessing upon blessing: steadily growing goat kids with shiny coats and bright eyes; 2 healthy heritage turkey hens and one proud, strutting tom promising a plethora of poults next Spring; the giggles of grandbabies during Farmer Husband's facetime with them; the sunshine and warm temperatures we're still experiencing in late September here in Michigan...and the steady, true devotion and love of the man whose wedding band matches mine.   

This morning as a new work week begins, some of the same old obstacles have come stepping into it, and new ones are likely waiting just out of view. But as long as we keep looking up, we'll be able to magnify what matters, and swim in a sea of blessings instead of losing our boots in the mud. 

A Departure from The Norm

One Person's Humble Opinion

Caught up in all things farmy here at Stone Cottage Farm, sometimes I do indeed find myself in the middle of a conversation and suddenly feel as though I've been "living under a rock" as the saying goes.

Working full time here on the farm there are sometimes stretches of a few days where I never leave the property, and others where if I do, it's only a short jaunt to town for more canning jar lids or milking supplies. 

Luckily, we do have internet and television, so I do have access to the latest news. Although I'll admit that I often am the "last to hear" of the latest controversy or "must know" news, as I prefer to limit the time spent on what is pushed off as "news" these days. So many times the only exposure I grant myself to current national or world events is whatever shows up in a Facebook feed, that I am then free to research for myself if I choose. 

I'm starting to sound a little like an eccentric, or at best, a hermitish person, right? Well, I've never denied the eccentric part. But I don't mean to come off as anti-news or anti-social, rather just that I prefer to carefully select what I expose my mind and heart to, and therefore what I think on, which is sort of part of the point of this blog today.

In a departure from the norm, I wanted to share some thoughts on some of the current controversies dominating news and many conversations lately. 

Here is where you may expect a far left or far right or far-fetched rant to begin, passionately rambling on about same-sex marriage, or government involvement in our lives, or gun laws, or the latest sex scandal....or, you name the controversy. I hate to disappoint, but instead of ranting I wish only to impart a humble opinion. And, compared to your own personal beliefs, what I have to say may sound far-fetched indeed, but then that, as well, is sort of the point of this post.

I am blessed to have a deep faith, based on what I believe to be the Truth, and the only truth, by which I do my best to live. (My faith means nothing if I do not actively live by it.) The longer I live by this faith, the more I realize my own imperfections, and extreme smallness in this wide, grand universe, and thereby, my need of more faith.

What, exactly, is that faith, that Truth in which I base my beliefs and therefore life? It is that there is one God, creator and loving father of all, and that through His son Jesus Christ we can each have a personal relationship with God, and spend not only this life, but the eternal life hereafter with Him.

 ...And, there go some readers. But if you're still interested, please keep reading.

As many people of many faiths, I feel I am passionate about mine; it shapes how I perceive and travel through life.

And it's why it is so saddening to see so many of my fellow believers at war with each other and those who believe otherwise, expending so much energy and time debating and focusing on issues which are not meant for us to debate or focus on.

There will always be, in this life here on earth, people who live by ways with which we do not agree, things that happen that we don't understand, governments that operate in ways, and pass laws which are opposed to our own personal beliefs....That is the way life in the world is.

A world in which God's law reigns, and everything lines up to the way it was intended in His sight, is not this one we are living in now, but the one to come.

And so, as we journey through the days appointed to us here and now, let us not focus on what is wrong, what is hurtful, what does not line up with our faith. We cannot stand for our faith while we are pushing others down or away, and we cannot impact the world with our faith by insisting everyone and everything operates by it. If we truly believe in what we profess to be Truth, then our job is to ourselves live by that faith, and then share it with others. The rest is up to Who we believe in, and only He - not petitions, or changes in government laws, or anything else - can change hearts and minds and ways. If something is not right for us because of what we believe, then we ought not do it, but it is not for us to decide for others what is right for them.

I will leave you with a few verses, to try and summarize the thoughts I've scribbled out above. Blessings.

"Do all things without complaining and disputing, that you may become blameless and harmless, children of God without fault in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life, so that I may rejoice in the day of Christ that I have not run in vain or labored in vain." ~Philippians 2:14-16

Is it right for us to pay taxes to Caesar or not? He saw through their duplicity and said to them, "Show me a denarius. Whose image and inscription are on it?" "Caesar's," they replied. He said to them, "Then give back to Caesar what is Caesar's, and to God what is God's." ~Luke 20:22-25

"For everything in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will of God lives forever." ~I John 2:16-17

Then they asked him, "What must we do to do the works God requires?" Jesus answered, "The work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent." ~ John 6:28-29

Then Jesus came to them and said, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." ~Matthew 28:18-20

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." ~John 16:33

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." ~Philippians 4:8

Bare Ground to Bounty...

...and other contemplations

 

Living in a four-season State is such a blessing.

Sure, most of us here in The Mitten sing a pretty dreary song if you listen in around, oh, mid-Februaryish; it's difficult to stay positive some days when it's so cold it hurts to breathe through your freezing nose.

But as I sit here contemplating closing up windows and turning on the air conditioner in this First-week-of-September Heat Wave, listen to the stock pot simmering full of delectable-smelling pasta sauce, made of perfectly ripe heirloom tomatoes, freshly picked herbs, garlic, and green peppers, I glance out at the teeming green space in the back yard where most of it came from, and am once again humbled and enthralled by the miracle that each year takes tiny seeds, and uses them to turn a bare piece of dirt into bounty.

The "extra" time afforded us by me being here full time now is allowing us to take the most advantage of our garden as we ever have, and it shows in the jars of salsa, dilly beans, and stewed tomatoes on the basement shelves, and the green beans, zucchini, winter squash, and other delights in vacuum sealed bags in the freezer. Even with the added time, I find myself wondering if I'll come close to harvesting and utilizing all there is available in this one small plot of ground. I grow impatient with myself on the days when it seems I'm still standing on the ice berg's tip, looking up.

But patience grows like a garden - imperceptibly, yet steady - on it's way to producing fruit through us.

With each snap of a green bean, each tomato cored and sliced, every pepper picked, and every jar lid announcing it's seal with a "pop!", I feed more than our stomachs, and learn more about myself, the family I come from, and the Creator of it all.

I repurpose a few strands of baling twine in the Stone Cottage, and on the mini-greenhouse where the seedlings grew this Spring, weave a haphazard pattern of lines from which herbs can be hung to dry after harvest. While tomatoes and beans and other heat-loving veggies are harvested and put up, kale stands patient and green, knowing the frosts coming next month will only make its taste sweeter. Pumpkins and winter squash begin to ripen, large and orange and yellow beneath their sprawling vines.

The bare ground beneath the bounty is hardly visible now, and as I sweat through harvesting and preserving the glut of food given us this season, it's hard to imagine a few short months from now this lush green space will once again be cold and bare, taking it's rest from it's summer labors while it waits to welcome next year's tiny seeds. And I am thankful for the places my road has forked and dead-ended, leading me back time and again to the clean quiet of Wit's End, where God can take my spirit from the bare ground of of my humanness, to the bounty of His blessings.

Just Do Something

Finding Motivation Amidst Overwhelmed Exhaustion

Full time farm life is just that - FULL. 

Looking back over the past five years, and then over this year since mid-March, I cannot comprehend how we got anything done here when we were both working off-farm full time.

Oh, wait, I remember -- by not eating dinner or slowing down until after sunset in the summer (if we ate dinner at all), cramming in social lives and projects we didn't have time for during the work week into every weekend, and using 99% of our vacation time from the day job on "staycations" where we worked on projects around the farm. (The other 1% we spent on illness, family emergencies, and - rarely - actual vacations.)

And this week, after the luxury of having Farmer Husband here with me every day last week (as he used some of that vacation time for a week's staycation to work on dairy equipment set up), recovering from one large event while another one looms, I will admit I am exhausted and overwhelmed.

Monday it got the better of me. Yesterday was much better and I actually got several things accomplished. This morning, the temptation to linger longer over morning coffee and wallow in my overwhelmedness was strong. But then the Lord reminded me that it doesn't have to all get done at once, and with that prompting I was able to find the strength to just do something.

That's the key - just starting with something.

Don't stare at and reread the entire To Do List and then freeze in fear of failing to get it all done in the time you think you should, just pick one thing and do it. It doesn't even have to be on the list. As long as you choose one thing, focus on it, and see it through, soon you'll have followed through and completed several things, and that List, while it's sure to keep growing and changing, won't seem so ominous.

So, with the lawn creeping up toward needs-to-be-mowed status again, weeds crawling back into garden aisles and around flowerbed borders, laundry escaping the hamper, more soap orders than soap available, and more invitations for fun events than free time, I took the first step with one tired foot, followed by another with the other, and pushed start on the washing machine, then pulled some weeds from the carrot patch in the veggie garden...

And knowing Farmer Husband is counting on me to make the most of my time here, and learning more all the time that with God's help and purpose in mind I am capable of more than I ever imagined, I found motivation amidst overwhelmed exhaustion.

Expecting to be Surprised Again

Equanimity Through Thankfulness

Well, Hello, after an extended absence from Blogland.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Life's best, and worst, moments often catch me by complete surprise.

We all spend some portion of our lives planning our lives; some of us much more than others. I fall somewhere right in the middle between complete tree-hugging carefreeness, and conservative, goal-oriented, path-to-security mindedness. I guess you could say I like surprises, as long as I can be somewhat prepared for them.

But how do you prepare for and maintain equanimity through those moments or seasons that rise up and engulf you with complete joy, or utter despair? 

I suppose it is becoming a theme in many of these posts, but the longer I am allowed to live this earthly life, the more profoundly I am learning to let thankfulness squelch my fears and frustrations, and punctuate every  happiness. Thankfulness keeps me honest, teaches patience, and helps me give out and give back even when it feels like I have nothing to give.

This month is passing so quickly the feeling cannot be put into words. Even more so than the rest of 2015 so far, August is a blur. The past week was a blend of hard work, time with the Love of my Life, family, relaxation, chaos and calm that left my everything the best kind of exhausted.

And now a new week's begun, promising a very similar progression as we prepare for our church's annual summer picnic service here at the farm, followed by next week's celebration of the marriage of our oldest son.

After a long week made of long days working on organizing, setting up or stowing away more neatly for the time being the dairy equipment that filled the 26 foot truck we rented in late May to drive back in from New York, cleaning up the yard, putting up veggies from the garden, making ice cream, and keeping up with "normal" everyday chores, we were rewarded with a fabulous weekend shared with family.

Friday brought the surprise of the first set of campers arriving at the farm, cousins whom we've never really had the chance to get to know very well before. Friday evening the weather surprised us and created new memories when our campers had to move their camping experience to our couch to escape the high winds, rain, and thunder and lightening that lingered for much of the night.

Saturday more out of town family arrived, and filled all three spare beds we have to offer in the Stone Cottage. Saturday evening we impatiently waited for the humid high heat of the day to ease so that we could enjoy gathering around the bonfire with even more family.

Then Sunday, the Big Day, when 80+ family members arrived at the farm to celebrate the 78th annual reunion of my Dad's side of the family.

And now Monday, already over half over, unfolds in extreme quiet.

A wind chime sings a random song on the side porch, and empty picnic tables and chairs silently await their next occupants. Tablecloths gathered up after guests departed last night wait in a neat heap to be washed and dried before being employed in the next event this coming Sunday. The herd grazes contentedly, having received ample cuddles and treats from the weekend's visitors who were enamored with their adorableness. And our two big dogs make one big extended nap of the entire day so far, catching up on rest after being faithful companions through a weekend of early mornings and late nights filled with many more people and thrown-off schedules than they are used to being at the farm.

I tarry in idleness, content to just be today, and let the events that led to today sink in to my tired bones. Gratefulness has it's way with me, and colors the memory of each moment. Blessings abound and Grace surrounds, and I find myself ready to expect more surprises, and desperate to share this Peace.

Gifts are Given to be Given Again

Nurture Your Purpose and Nurture the Lives of Others 

It's been a few days, and thoughts still vie for the right to be written.

Just plunking them down would only mean white space occupation, not inspiration.

So I practice waiting.

I live each moment, awake to the gifts it brings. Hands callus, projects progress, the camera freezes small rectangular views of long summer days, to be stored away for future memory-inducing.

I listen to Roo exchanging first-light crows with the neighboring rooster a half mile down the dirt road. The rising sun sweeps in golden slivers from east to west, illuminating small scenes of wonder across the farm yard. The shutter clicks, and I attempt to frame each shot with the thoughts and emotions of which it's made.

The milking machine sitting idle whispers the minutes are slipping. I don't want force the flow, so I carefully choose another scene to help explain the words, and I step away, prepare the udder wash, slip on shoes, greet patient goats in the sweetly hay-scented cool of the barn.

Morning grain is greedily gobbled, the machine hums and fills with fresh, clean, cloud-white milk. Barn babies, now the youngest already two months old, baa their "Good Morning, Momma!" from their kid-size stall, anxious for the freedom of their outdoor play area, fresh hay, and water. Muskiness begins to mingle more strongly with the sugary scent of only-in-a-well-used-well-loved-barn-do-you-get-it, tails begin to wag, and across-the-gate-and-fence flirtations are exchanged as the cycle begins and continues again, now already four days into August.

But we keep the work and fruits of the next new season tucked carefully in yet, consciously staying present in Now. The full calendar overflows, and another of the short months of Summer slips quietly past as tomatoes begin to blush, and sweet corn silks begin to brown and tease with buttery dreams of crisp golden kernels behind their husks. Each day brings new items crossed off and added to The List, and as we continue to embrace new challenges and gifts, gratitude continues to enlighten.

These gifts we are given are meant to be given again.

These fresh-air, sun, dirt, and sweat-drenched days nurture more than ourselves; the Peace that dwells here swells up through and out of our hearts and hands and is meant to be shared.

As our stewardship unfolds and grows, it teaches patience and persistence and perseverance; it vines out and connects us and this place and these days to those around us with tendrils of joy that nourish body, mind, soul.

Like the pumpkin blossoms splashing vibrant yellow and orange across mounds of broad green, before giving way to the fruit hidden behind them, our very own dreams and talents, well-tended, watered, and well-wielded, are gifts that reach further than our it's-Tuesday-and-time-to-weed-the-garden-again eyes can comprehend. Every green bean and zucchini harvested, every flower watered, every doe milked, every herb dried... holds more far-reaching blessings inside than we could ever imagine giving out.

And every dirt-under-the-nails, sweaty-browed moment does more than tick by -

it actively tends the talents we have been entrusted with, grows our souls, makes moments into memories, and fifteen humble acres and a dream into an impact so much greater than just us. 

Less About Self

moving through this moment

this human experience

could not be less

about self

help

comes

to those who help

and joy, like love,

is not a noun

purpose and impact

only found

looking up, outward,

never down

love can be practiced

in picking green beans

and dreams

need imagination

to grow 

unafraid hands,

moving 

through this moment

the only way 

to stand

for what we believe

fear and exhaustion

cannot be conquered

by thoughts

not born

by action

indecisive hesitation

is not an option

for us ready

                to leave

existence 

               behind

and find

the eternity in our today,

understanding deeper 

each day

the way

to where

our purpose lives

is already

under our feet

and we 

must only keep walking

to see the next step